Surviving isn't enough.

Sometimes it feels like everything is crashing down. Even when it’s not. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is turning upside down. You’re supposed to realize that your problems are nothing when compared to the bigger issues. Realizing this doesn’t help. It makes you feel smaller and ineffective and even more worthless than you already feel.

I can’t fix my dad. I couldn’t make him love me the way I needed to be loved and I can’t cure his cancer so he can live long enough to maybe figure it out. I can’t make him want to know his granddaughters and I can’t make him interested in my life. I can’t make him hug me in a way that doesn’t make him lightly shove me away like my very touch burns him.
I can’t forgive him for never being there and I can’t stop wishing that he was.



For my dad, there is no cure. There’s only postponing the inevitable. Which only makes sense if you’re actually living in the interim. I wonder what living is for him. For me, it means being grateful for one more chance to lay next to my husband watching a movie or playing Name That Song. One more chance to talk to my mom for hours about nothing and everything. One more chance to cause a ruckus with my best friend or rub her back and reassure her as we always do for each other during a crisis. Mostly, it would mean one more chance to giggle with my kids, to tell them I love them, to whisper the incredible experiences they’ll have whether I’m here to witness them or not. In short, living is family and people and giving more than you take.

I wonder if he goes through these awful treatments over and over in the hopes that if he sticks around long enough he’ll actually figure out how to live.

Parenting for Fucktards 101

1.) When you are told that your four year old child has Pneumonia, do not respond with, "Annnnd what am *I* supposed to do about it?"

2.) DO ask if the child is alright.

3.) DO show an interest in the child's treatment. Does the child need to go to the hospital? What medications is the child supposed to be taking? What other special instructions did the doctor give? If you don't know the answers to these questions, you are a completely self-centered douche bag and should surrender all parenting rights now.

4.) DO NOT refuse to come home because the child's mother is being "touchy." If you had to live with someone of such small empathy and compassion, you'd be a little fucking touchy too.

5.) DO NOT bounce from friend's house to friend's house just so you don't have to actually fucking be a parent.

6.) DO NOT say that the reason you didn't ask about your child's well-being is because your wife is SuperMom and can handle anything. If she can handle anything, then she doesn't need your sorry ass. Take your walking papers and go move in with your parents like every other failure.

7.) DO NOT say, "Call me when you think I won't be an ass anymore." You sound like an idiot. And guess what, she won't call you because she KNOWS that day will NEVER come. And as you mentioned before you fucktarded asshat, she's SuperMom and doesn't need your worthless "help."

8.) DO NOT say that you will stay at home with the child as long as you don't have to work. You own your own fucking business A-hole. You make your own fucking hours. And your wife only works five hours. And it's fucking Wednesday. You can't tell your customers that your kid has Pneumonia and there's a total of ten fucking hours that you can't be at their beck and call for the next two days? Your business is open 24 fucking hours you ass! Prioritize!

9.) When your sick child is crying and asking for daddy, don't tell your wife that she can handle it. Get your sorry ass home and comfort the child who is so naive that she can't yet tell that she has the sorriest piece of shit father to ever walk the earth.

10.) If you are such a prick that your wife has to make a list like this, reexamine your methods of parenting and make changes immediately. Because you Sir, are a Fucktard and don't deserve to lick the dirt your child pees upon.

All My Loving

I don't write when I'm happy. I get so caught up in savoring the blissful moments, that I forget to commemorate them. Looking at my journals, blogs and diaries over the years, it looks like I've had a pretty hellish life. Really, I've had a loved life spotted with hellish moments. I guess I just don't need the cathartic release when I'm content.

Things have been good. So good that our fights have been normal (mostly) husband and wife arguments and have occurred in a mature (mostly) manner. I'm not on edge. I'm not thrashing through the night with nightmares. I'm not crying over nothing. It's a decent place to be.

A few weeks ago, I was rocking our four year old H to sleep. It's something I hadn't done in months so when she asked for the extra cuddle time, I was eager to oblige. She had just drifted off to sleep when the husband did something completely unexpected- he sang to me.

I'm a musical girl. As a kid I could pick up any instrument and pick out a familiar song within the hour. I sang for talent shows and in community musicals. I was always attracted to anyone who could play an instrument or carry a tune. I always had the fantasy that some special guy would randomly jump up on stage (or a table) and belt out a tune dedicated to me. The husband is terrified of singing, so the dream died a little when I married him.

I had just rocked H to sleep when "All My Loving'" started playing on our stereo. It's always been a favorite and I was feeling so loving towards the husband at the moment that I thought it was fortuitous. When he actually sat in front of us and started to sing it (loudly!) to me, I giggled. When I realized that he was REALLY singing and the whole thing was planned, I cried.

Moments of such unselfishness with him are rare. It took him a week to memorize all the lyrics (he's not exactly musically inclined) and he was waiting for the perfect moment. It may seem small to anyone else, but it was a dream fulfilled and one of the sweetest moments we've ever shared.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home ev'ry day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.

I'll pretend That I'm kissing
the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home ev'ry day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.

All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving, darling I'll be true.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you:
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home ev'ry day,
And I'll send all my loving to you

All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving darling I'll be True.
All my loving All my loving ooh
All my loving I will send to you