Reflections

I have pitied you so much these last couple of months.

You were my confidante, my aggressor, my best friend, my abuser, my lover and yes, at times; my victim.

I have spent the last eleven months coming to terms with the last third of my life. I have examined the mistakes that I made, the choices that I should have and given myself credit for forgiving so much and trying so damn hard. Let me be clear... I am fully aware of the damage I caused in the beginning of our marriage. I was ready to divorce and run at the slightest transgression. I was belittling. You didn't make enough money, you didn't dress the girls how I wanted you to, you drove the wrong car... I didn't praise you enough.

I know my transgressions fully. They are numerous.

You have had eleven months as well. Eleven months without a family, without responsibilities and I was hopeful that you would have examined your mistakes as I have mine.

And today? Today I want to hate you. I can only pity you for your inability to learn from your mistakes. I don't believe that you will ever evolve because you are incapable of truly examining your actions. Rewriting history, blaming medication, blaming a lack of medication, blaming me, blaming your parents, blaming children... you have learned nothing except that if you don't admit your mistakes than you never have to take responsibility for them.

J, I am sorry. I am so sorry for the pain I caused you. For emasculating you and tearing your apart when I should have been your greatest supporter and partner. I didn't believe in you enough, and for that I am ashamed. Looking back has taught me to ask myself, "Would I want to be with me?" And being able to do so will make any and all of my current and future relationships better. I am sorry that I had to hurt you to learn that lesson.

Our children are watching us. They are learning how to handle a mistake that can have devastating consequences. And you are teaching them to bury it. To lie. To make sure that everyone you come into contact with knows that you are not to blame.

They don't buy it J. They left you and told me that you lied. You blamed your Bipolar medication. When you were sentenced for Child Abuse, you blamed a lack of medication. Now you're telling our children that you were never ill. That your medication made you angry and aggressive. A is old enough to remember what you've been like off of your medication. She knows the truth. You are not fooling her, you are simply reaffirming her belief that you can't be trusted.

Reflect J.
Learn.
Grow.

It's the only way you'll ever get your girls back.