Beautiful Disaster

I think the hardest lesson I will have to learn as an adult will be that I can't save everyone.

I wish I could say that I will leave him a little better, a little happier, a little stabler and a little more hopeful, but I don't think I even achieved that. He's still troubled and angry and I'm a little less shiny, a little less innocent and a little more jaded.

I can't help but want to stay stubborn... not strong... stubborn, and refuse to let this disease win. But maybe it was never meant to be my fight. Maybe I'm not meant to slay this dragon.

It makes me sad. It makes me weary. And it makes me angry.

During my hardest times I can usually sit by the water or under the stars and talk to God and feel like I really get an answer on what I should do. This time He feels so, so silent. And I feel so alone. I wish I knew what the right answer was.

But every day I fight this fight for my husband's sanity and our marriage, I find myself further losing my spark. I feel myself becoming duller. I miss being shiny, and I don't think I can find it again with this constant barrage of discontent.

Either way, I'll miss you my Fat Bear. You were my first love, and I loved you deeply and I tried so hard to hang on for us both. I hope you fight the good fight and don't let this disease ruin my best friend and his true potential for greatness. I will always believe that you can find happiness and that in the end, you'll start controlling your destiny.

I'm not sure where I go from here.

Beautiful Disaster

Lyrics

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster