Down the Rabbit Hole

I will not get sucked back into this vortex.

It has been two years since we spoke by phone. It has been two years since we have been near each other without an officer or judge present.

I don't want to know you. I don't want to hear about you. I certainly don't want you to share intimate details about your life with me.

But in spite of myself, I respond to your chatty text messages and emails. I ask how you're doing. I make myself crazy and neurotic wondering what you're up to, who you're seeing and whether or not you've changed enough for me to ever fully trust you with my children.

In spite of myself, in spite of everything; I still miss you sometimes.

I haven't gone on a date in over nine months because I don't trust myself or my judgment. I've been learning the pleasures of being alone, and there are many. But today, for the first time in a very long time, I'm lonely. I miss someone knowing my intimate details. I miss being able to share my every thought. I miss someone understanding the dynamics of my family. I really miss someone knowing my body and how to make it respond. I miss everything we had together during the good times.

And I sometimes wonder if you ever miss me, too.

I know that most likely, I'll find someone when I'm ready. I certainly haven't been looking because I know I'm not there yet. And I also know that if I never find that person, then I'll be just fine on my own.

But I still wish we had made different choices, been different people and had the outcome I always wanted.

But mostly, I wish I had a clean slate where you never existed. I wish I was free.